Loz

Loz anger  (1)

It’s hard to admit your flaws… and mine is my temper

It’s hard to admit your flaws. I don’t mean the ones about our weight or being terrible with money, or all the other little things we might jokingly mention but we’re secretly paranoid about. I don’t mean the things that we will readily offer up, I mean the uncomfortable flaws. The ones that really suck. The ones that make us wonder if we could ever make a scary mistake.

Nobody who has ever spent more than about 20 minutes with me could ever doubt that I’m an emotional person. I hide it with work stuff so that’s a possible exception,  but even then that’s only in formal situations. A wise woman once told me that the closer you can be to your true self at work, the happier you’ll be, and the truth of this is demonstrable in my own life so I don’t pretend to be a robot. But I do try and apply logic to my feelings, and when I have a (negative) emotional response to another person I do some work to unpick it and work out why I may have had that response. We all feel things that we shouldn’t act on. My issue is not acting on one particular emotional response, and that’s anger. Not anger at people I love, when I will do the work that I just described and try to work out whether my response is fair and- probably more to the point- appropriate to the situation. My impulse control is tested when the anger is directed at strangers.

This is a really hard thing to describe because I think it makes me sound like a horrible, horrible person. And I am ashamed of my reactions when I feel that sharp flash of anger. It’s genuine shame that I feel. So often, the anger I feel is because a person- quite often on public transport- is not acting with the care, attention, and consideration that I think they should and that I consider myself to be exhibiting. It’s a theme in my emotional life that I can feel that other people aren’t trying as hard as I am, but I realise it’s unreasonable to feel that way with my loved ones because a) don’t ask people to be grateful for things you’ve done that they didn’t ask for; and b) you have no way of knowing how much effort someone is making! They might be making a hundred tiny decisions in your best interest every day and you wouldn’t know.

Me looking cheerful. Which is a lot of the time
Me looking cheerful. Which is a lot of the time

So how does this anger manifest itself? Physically. How awful it is: the shame I feel at typing that sentence. How is it any different an emotional response to somebody who beats their partner when they feel aggrieved? It’s different because the scale is different but I realised recently that it has to stop. I got on a tube, tipsy, and interpreted someone as being in the way as we tried to board the train. And I pushed his backpack. It was a shove, really. And I immediately apologised and he was angry and swearing about me the entire journey and that was my punishment. But it could have been so, so much worse. It could essentially have been picking a fight with a man on the tube. And even more than that, it upset my mother (who I had been trying to protect) and M (who would have felt that he had to protect me) and it’s just not fucking good enough. I have to be better than that. And believe me, this is only the occasion that sticks in my mind as being very recent and pretty grim, there are plenty more.

I’ve known since my first serious relationship that I have a quick temper. That boyfriend brought it up all the time, until I had to accept it was the truth. And I know that it is a small, dirty flare signalling that there’s some anger inside me that hasn’t been taken care of. I know it’s sad inner child stuff but I have the manifestation of that under control a lot of times. It’s these silly infractions that I react like a pressure cooker to; stepping on my foot, hitting me with your bag, walking diagonally across a busy road. These are not things to give a shit about. In the world we live in, they could probably be let go.

So, I have been consciously watching myself. I have been seeing when I react; recognising the signs. And by being conscious of every angry tut, every time I want to kick the foot of the person who’s crushed my toes, I get better at diffusing myself. The regularity of those reactions means I’m already taking the sting out. And by writing it down I am facing up to the work I have to do, and I am putting it out there so I can’t pretend that it’s a one-off, a silly drunk reaction, nothing to worry about.  I’m taking responsibility for my sharp, white anger and I am refusing to be defined by it. I hope.

Category: Life
Side volume for comparison

The Holy Grail for fine-haired women!

I have fine, fine, baby hair. If you have such hair and you’re ok with it then I’m thrilled for you, but I can only describe my hair as thin and also crappy. Realising the LIE of most famous women’s hair- that even a full barnet is usually enhanced by extensions, I’m looking at you Kate Middleton- has helped my pain a little. But the fact remains that my hair is poker-straight, ‘lank’ is not too harsh a word most days, and it’s prone to being weighed down by product so it’s a constant balancing act to get the combination right. And even when that happens, an hour later it’s flat-to-head.

When I went for a haircut November last year and asked for ‘shoulder-length’, I was nearly inconsolable when she cut it to my chin. It’s not a flattering length on me, having such a round face, and it meant losing a good 6-8 inches, around half of which I had not intended to lose. “Oh well”, I thought, “at least I’ll be able to get some volume in my hair again”. NU-UH. Taking care of my hair, regularly colouring it, and using decent products means that my mane is as healthy as it’s ever been, which makes it even more difficult to style. If that sounds illogical, just think about how much easier it is to get volume and texture into hair with broken bits and messed-up hair shafts. Stupid healthy hair was doing me no favours.

Not the length I wanted, but at least she gave me a terrible blow-dry as well!
Not the length I wanted, but at least she gave me a terrible blow-dry as well! FLAT.

With the exception of following the advice of the hairdresser who proclaimed to 15 year old me that “only a perm will help!”, I have tried almost everything. I dry my hair upside-down, which for me has always got the closest to root-lift that I’ll ever see, but for a special occasion I’ll get the Remington Big Hair out. It’s not a game-changer but I find it using at the just-drier-than-towel-dried stage, with a blowdry lotion or spray can have a good lifting result. Never use mousse with the Big Hair though, or you’l end up with a knot the size of your fist.

When it comes to volumising shampoos and conditioners, I have used A LOT of them, cheap and pricey. Whenever I think something is making a difference, it’s not long before the effect wears off and I’m back to limp hair. I have tried all the usual suspects: Bumble & Bumble, Ojon, Philip Kingsley, Percy & Reed, most of the brands they sell in Boots. Until recently, I was exclusive with TIGI Bed Head Epic Volume and we were very happy together. It makes my hair marginally more voluminous than not using it, and by buying the large 750ml sizes, it’s actually insanely cheap and convenient too. But it’s not the change I want to see in the world.

I like this stuff, but at £21 for the two I think it represents good value too...
I like this stuff, and at £22 for the two I think it represents good value too…

In the last month (six weeks probably) there have been two main things that have changed. The first is that after a year of trying to grow my hair to shoulder-length, I’ve realised that I need to give in and live with the bob. I got the first haircut that I’ve been happy with for aaaages (thanks weird Chris at the Toni & Guy near work…) and I finally tried L’Oreal Fibrology. I’m not going to go on about it but after Sali Hughes recommended Firbology and I realised that I’d been using the Thickness Booster too often in the shower (it’s only supposed to be twice a week), I am now very impressed by the results. But shampoo and conditioner alone can only do so much. I need much, much more…

The much more is styling product. Before I do anything, I prep with a primer. I know this sounds like a needless step but I genuinely have found that it helps my ‘style’ to have staying power. It’s not a cheap product but a very small amount goes a long way (yes, really) and although the Living Proof one has achieved cult status, lots of people prefer Percy & Reed Perfectly Perfecting Wonder Balm and I bloody love it.

I know it's £18, but I got mine free from a magazine... If in doubt, buy from QVC so you can send it back if you hate it
I know it’s £18, but I got mine free from a magazine… If in doubt, buy from QVC so you can send it back if you hate it

Too much mousse will overload my hair and ultimately make it greasy, but lotions, sprays, volumising oil, and the like just aren’t enough to get any real hold into my hair. I’ve tried combinations of products for years but when I finally stumbled across TIGI Bed Head Small Talk (currently £7.99) and gave it a go, I realised that the consistency is different to anything I’ve tried before. It’s got a sticky, elastic quality to it that bouffs up my hair; the first time I used it was a revelation and it has been ever since. You can even get a mini travel version for around a fiver, but you have to keep looking as it often sells out.

I COULD NOT LOVE THIS STUFF MORE
I COULD NOT LOVE THIS STUFF MORE

The Small Talk is good teamed with TIGI Bed Head Superstar Queen for a Day Thickening Spray, but it’s awesome teamed with £1.49 super-product, Boots Essential Extra Firm Hold Mousse.  When Sali Hughes recommended it on her 50 Best Beauty Buys Under £20 earlier this year, I could not have been more cynical, but this stuff is a freaking god-send. The staying power of a mousse, with the weird elastic alien consistency of the Small Talk, is a winning combination and I can see the actual root-lift hours later. Try it- I beg you.

Straight after blow-drying. Yes, I have a vest on
Straight after blow-drying. Yes, I have a vest on

Just before I blow-dry (upside down, and after my fringe has been done separately) I use a teeny bit of the L’Oreal Fibrology Serum on my ends. It makes me feel like I’m fully committing to the Fibrology regime, and having my ends a bit silkier so I can straighten them helps give my hair the illusion of thickness. I want root lift, but wispy ends can undermine your whole effort.

Quite a good fringe...
Quite a good fringe…

After blow-drying, I tip my head upside-down and spray some VO5 Plump It Up Dry Backcomb Spray (a bargain product that lasts forever) or Colab Dry Shampoo, which I’ve stockpiled at home. I also really like TRESemme Texture Style Devine Definition Spray for adding a little definition to my layers, but you must be sparing with it. A light spray, at about half arm’s length, leave it a few seconds then run your fingers through your layers. I then, of course, finish with hairspray. I’m a die-hard TREsemme Freeze Spray fan but a lighter hairspray in this case is no bad thing. I like Fudge Skyscraper, which is around £9 but cheaper stuff will do just as well, I’m sure.

And finally, the acid test. Does my hair, after the commute, windy London, and a day in the office, still have a bit of oomph left? Yes, for THE FIRST TIME EVER, I can confirm that my hair actually has some life at 5pm. Those with genuinely fine hair will know how rare this is. I am going to stockpile all of these babies! Never. Going. Back.

Hours later! Crap picture, but baby fine hair that still has some life
Hours later! Crap picture, but baby fine hair that still has some life
Why so surprised...?
Why so surprised…?
Side volume for comparison
Side volume for comparison
Category: Life, Style
Skippy Pleated shirt cropped

Covetable brand: Carmakoma

Ok, so I’m in the middle of drafting a way longer piece on plus size fashion from my point of view. Which is to say the point of view of someone who likes new, shiny things, and to inject a bit of life into an otherwise potentially dull work wardrobe. But that’s another story: today I just want to mention the wonderful Carmakoma.

Carmakoma Fine Gauge Knitted Dress with Keyhole Back - £109.00 at ASOS
The proportions of this dress are SO good. Carmakoma Fine Gauge Knitted Dress with Keyhole Back – £109.00 at ASOS

I usually use the Covetables spot for one item that I’ve spotted and has made me swoon, but that’s how I feel about Carmakoma. Just click through to their main website and you’ll instantly see that the branding and the way the clothes are styled not only scream high-end, but they also have an attitude to them. Something that is painfully missing from the likes of Evans and Simply Be, even if the latter has debuted some fairly impressive new brands recently. But that’s a discussion for another day.

I wore this navy dress for my birthday meal this year. It's very COS
I wore this navy dress for my birthday meal this year. It’s very COS - £29.50 in the sale at ASOS

 Available at ASOS and not exactly cheap, you probably also won’t be surprised to hear that Carmakoma is a Danish brand. I wore one of their dresses for my birthday swank-den dinner out and felt fab. I feel that a lot of their stuff channels COS-like minimalist styling and they play with proportions, which I like.

Cute! Carmakoma Sheer Yoke Skater Dress - £25.50 in the sale at ASOS
Cute! Carmakoma Sheer Yoke Skater Dress – £25.50 in the sale at ASOS

I’ve mainly picked examples of dresses here (although they do lots of other fab things too, including sexy-as-eff leather trousers) because I enjoy the fact that the brand doesn’t assume that a plus size woman is desperate to hide every inch of herself. I understand the tricky line that brands catering to size 18+ walk to appeal to all takers, and I like that Carmakoma have positioned themselves as a little rock chick.

I mean, how goddamn sexy is this swimsuit??

Category: Style
heart sand

We only ever argue about two things…

As I was getting ready to go out this afternoon, it occurred to me that M and I argue about only two things: ‘issues’ and ‘dinner’. I recognise, of course, that we’ve been together under two years and that there are plenty of things just round the corner that can cause schisms and upset. But we also haven’t had an easy time of it, with life-threatening illness and bereavement causing stress and pulling us closer together in our first year. The first few months of our relationship reflected pretty well the intense people that we can definitely be. And for the most part we rode those waves and continue to do so, whereas add in a political concept after a night out and we’ll entertain the whole carriage.

Ahh, argument lubricant!
Ahh, argument lubricant!

Obviously booze plays a part- we both love a drink and we go to a lot of comedy and gigs together so the journey home is like drunken Question Time with only lefties. But to be honest, we can argue about this stuff all day and all night, sober. And so often we barely disagree with each other but we’re both such irritating Guardian readers that we have to debate the details for an entire journey home. I remember the first time: I don’t know where we were coming home from but I know we argued the entire way, and for about an hour and a half when we got in, about whether  as a terrorist it was ever justified to use civilians as targets. I dare say we went round and round the same arguments for hours but neither of us could believe what the other was saying. Other recent examples include a row about whether it is ok to give money to a beggar, bearing in mind that it’s more effective to give to charities that support the homeless. And Saturday’s argument was over whether M would characterise himself as a feminist or not. Leftwingproblems.

The other thing we argue about is much trickier to work through because it combines the thing that we’re both pretty good at- communicating honestly with each other- and the thing we’re not- expressing what we want when we know it contradicts what the other wants.  We argue, regularly and with tears, about where to eat dinner. In the past. We both play down where we want to go and try to be flexible, and the other doesn’t know we’re doing it and resentment builds. Minor, petty resentment that we find it hard to put into words and then comes spilling out after a bottle and a half of rosé. The anger that we’ve compromised and the other doesn’t appreciate it.

I love eating out! But this pasta sucked!
I love eating out! But this pasta sucked!

My part in all this is that I cannot state my preference without overwhelming guilt. As I sit here, that sounds bizarre and I can’t explain it, but in the moment it’s the most ridiculous thing- I can’t say “M, I don’t feel like Nando’s”.  If it’s something he fancies then I just really want him to have that and I feel uncomfortable arguing for my own preferences. Part of this will be that I come from such a close-knit group of women, who double-check and re-confirm at every step of the decision-making process, that I partly expect someone to argue for my choice even if I’m not. I also have some messy little self-worth issues that play in to it. And what of M? He’s so much happier than me to say what he wants and yet it seems he still doesn’t.

But we’re making progress. It’s finally, after the last argument we had, out in the open and being talked about more fully. I’m not sure why this has taken so long but I guess every relationship is a work in progress. I think we’re both aware that it extends to other things, like our hobbies and the films we want to watch, but we just have to be more frank with each other. It’s the sort of small flaw in a relationship that if we don’t nip in the bud, can extend to how we spend our weekends, holidays, and beyond. Neither of us are passive aggressive in general at all but it’s a symptom of knowing we’re both opinionated people, I think, that finds us trying to rein ourselves in. Thankfully we’ll probably never stop debating the minutiae of lefwing politics- which is fine as that’s what makes us us.

Category: Life
Me in a jacket

Let’s look to spring with a new jacket!

I don’t know why we keep writing about coats, I really don’t. I guess it’s because they’re an investment, a considered purchase, so it’s good to know what’s out there and it’s brilliant to see where you can find a style and save a few bob. But I also love the way that a good jacket can really finish an outfit- coats are great but they cover your outfit, whereas a good jacket can complement what else you’re wearing and really become part of the look. Like my beloved military jacket.

One thing I’ve been spotting as the online retailers start trying to sell us spring 2015 are longer styles with a lot of nice movement to them. There’s still loads of beautiful coats to buy too, because it’s still bloody cold at the moment, but thinner jackets that you can layer are making an appearance, and they’re perfect for marrying casual and formal in that way that fashion has been for a few seasons now. The sort of jackets that you can put over a dress and block heels, as well as jeans and sneakers.

I love this & Other Stories Cotton Parka (£125) as I can see chunky jumpers fitting under it as well as being able to sling it over a dress and sandals on cooler summer nights too. Vaguely sporty but the drawstring adds shape: sold.

& Other Stories Cotton Parka (£125) stories.com
& Other Stories Cotton Parka (£125) stories.com

This ASOS jacket in denim taps in to one of the key trends for early 2015 as denim will be big. Yes, for most of us, denim is less ‘2015’ and more ‘our entire lives’ but this trend is all about layering denim and choosing pieces that showcase the fabric. I don’t know who came up with the awful idea of calling this a shacket but I do like the structured look and longer length- just so versatile in a way that a formal coat just isn’t always.

I refuse to call this a shacket- denim long-line jacket (£75) asos.com
I refuse to call this a shacket- denim long-line jacket (£75) asos.com

I usually would avoid mentioning J Crew because I love their stuff so, so much but it’s really quite inaccessible for the majority of us. I feel a certain amount of brand loyalty to them in that their clothes are aspirational and very stylish, but the company doesn’t stop at a size 12/14 like so many in a similar position could and would. I have been lurking and lusting after this resin-coated cotton twill jacket for a number of months as it has just the write level of Scandi-inspired cool and a touch of nautical influence. I can see it in April showers and sunny-but-cool spring days.  It’s topped only by my beloved Thorjsa brand, which at €299 is a little bit out of my price range.

J Crew Resin-coated Cotton Twill jacket (£198) jcrew.com/uk
J Crew Resin-coated Cotton Twill jacket (£198) jcrew.com/uk

As things warm up a little, I’ll keep my eye out for other transitional pieces that can work in both spring and autumn, with a variety of outfits as there’s bound to be loads in the shops. But for now, it’s nice to gaze upon some swish new outerwear and believe that there is an end to the rain, cold, snow, and slush…

Category: Style