Loz

unreal exposed

Watch UnREAL on Amazon. Seriously, go watch!

I’m rarely prompted to write about a programme I’m enjoying. I’ve written some oh so witty recaps for an as-good-as-defunct website in the past but apart from that, I’m usually hearing about programmes once someone’s already said they’re good. I think Transparent is utterly incredible: so does everyone else.

But I had heard nothing about UnREAL when I started watching it, I just finally gave in to the relentless suggesting of it on Amazon Video. And man, it’s good. The premise is fascinating, and UnREAL does it super well. UnREAL is a drama set behind the scenes at a hit reality show and as such, lets us glimpse behind the magic and into the machinations that make such shows happen.

At the centre of UnREAL is Everlasting, a reality show almost identical to The Bachelor, which is now about to enter its 21st season in the US. The Bachelor has been around so long that it’s easy to forget how huge it has been, and the extent to which it created the blueprint for dating shows. In the post-writers’ strike days of reality programming, The Bachelor is a behemoth. Looking at its Wikipedia page, The Bachelor has been accused of being scripted and I have no idea of the extent to which this is true, but UnREAL takes as its starting point the idea that the show isn’t scripted, but that the Producers manipulate every detail to produce the result they want. This includes cajoling, flattering, and criticising  the contestants into acting the way they want, which is as compulsive to watch as it is horrifying. And some of the ways they manipulate the characters is watch-through-your fingers bad, pushing buttons and using the mental health issues of the contestants to push them in to an emotional, sometimes extreme, reaction. Which is to say that it’s so entertaining! While I do like to think that Producers on a real show wouldn’t go quite as far as they do on UnREAL, I could well be being naive.

These women are badass
These women are badass

The co-creator of UnREAL- along with Marti Noxon, who is probably most famous for working on Buffy the Vampire Slayer- is Sarah Gertrude Shapiro, who originally wrote the acclaimed short Sequin Razeon which UnREAL is based. Shapiro worked on The Bachelor for nine seasons so I suspect she knows a thing or two about the show, but it is her personal reaction to working on it that I find so interesting, and is what makes UnREAL so compulsive for me. Yes, it’s fascinating to watch the manipulations and machinations, and to see the dynamics between the people working on the show as they simultaneously compete with each other and strive for a common goal. But it’s the characterisations that make me go back to UnREAL for episode after episode, long after that point that I lose interest with most series.

UnREAL has two main characters and they are both women. That genuinely doesn’t happen often, and when it does the female characters are rarely as flawed and complex as these two. Rachel is very definitely the heroine of the piece, dragged back to work on a TV show she finds morally repugnant but that she is so very good at producing. But Rachel also makes terrible decisions- and selfish ones- and acts in a way that makes you want to shout at her sometimes. She is stuck doing something she hates but is incredible at and we watch wondering whether she will destroy herself. She’s also played by the ace Shiri Appleby, who was so great in Girls, and brings a real humanity to the role. Rachel is bright, capable, right-on and likeable, and sometimes she is a pretty bad person. Luckily there is her boss, Quinn, the show-runner of Everlasting, to make Rachel look good. Quinn is vicious, cutting, hard-nosed, witty, and angry, and also a multi-layered character with human relationships, hopes and dreams. Looking at the other roles Constance Zimmer has had, I can’t pin any one thing down to where I recognise her from, but she has been in a lot, and I love her in this. Two female characters who are selfish and single-minded, successful and intelligent, and you still manage to like them for at least some of the time; I can’t think of another example of this. It happens slightly more in our new, amazing golden age of television, but usually as an ensemble cast or in a sitcom; a genre where the reality of complex human relationships is often lost. in UnREAL there are other fascinating characters, not least a gay character who isn’t a horrible stereotype, but it’s the women who run the show. It shouldn’t be surprising, but it is.

UnREAL holds a mirror up to reality TV and all of its racist, homogeneous tendencies. The drama of the show that is being produced is almost matched by the drama going  on behind the scenes, but I don’t find anything camp. Of course there are times where there has to be a little suspension of disbelief, but even watching episodes back-to-back UnREAL stands up. This is something I struggle with when I watch episodes of anything close together as so often the characters suddenly change their mind about things that were so important an episode ago, in order to advance the plot. UnREAL does a pretty good job of staying true to its characters and smashes it out of the park when it comes to the Bechdel Test. I’m thrilled that a third season is coming and heartily recommend this show. Now someone watch it so I can talk to you about it.

Category: Comment
Lace top, £24.99 hm.com

My Plus Size Not Curvy Basics

So since my first post on being plus size but not really particularly curvy, I have been thinking about how to represent my personal style. In looking at the outfits I put on I realised that there are a few  things that I base my outfits on and that are recurring themes. These are skinny workwear trousers, super-skinny jeans, and (to a lesser degree) leggings.

One thing I didn’t mention when writing the previous post was how tall I am- I expect that’s obvious, but it does really add another dimension to the challenge of dressing a plus size body. I’m 5’11″ with a 36″ inside leg so Tall ranges are essential for me when buying jeans or trousers. I also find that having slimmer limbs and a larger waist size can mean getting drowned in trousers. Which is why I am in love with New Look’s Black Bengaline Slim Trousers. And when I say ‘love’, I am not messing around; I currently have four pairs of these trousers in circulation with another four pairs in reserve to rotate in. 

This sort of slim fit often doesn't translate to larger sizes, but on these it does
This sort of slim fit often doesn’t translate to larger sizes, but on these it does

They have a super-flattering slim leg throughout (yes ‘flattering’ is a problematic concept, but it happens to be true of these trews) and a high waist that sits comfortably. In these, I’m a comfortable size 18. They have a tendency to eventually stretch, and they’re £15.99 a pair so they won’t last forever. YES, MY FAVOURITE TROUSERS IN THE WORLD ARE SIXTEEN POUNDS. I never want to be without them and at that price I’d be an idiot to not stockpile. These trousers used to be on ASOS, which is where I first took a chance on them, and when they went down to £7 in the sale I both wept and rejoiced. I’m extremely relieved to see that New Look still sell them.

Yes, bonkers I know. But I had to show you the slimness of the fit!
Yes, bonkers I know. But I had to show you the slimness of the fit!
Yeah, I really do apologise for the quality of some of these snaps
Yeah, I really do apologise for the quality of some of these snaps

In a similar vein, my jean of choice is good stretchy super-skinny. ASOS Tall Ridleys to be exact. High-waisted (you may spot a theme), comfortable, and very, very skinny. They come in an extraordinary range of colours and washes,  and I have quite a few pairs… The brilliant thing about them- apart from the fact that I’ve had pairs that have lasted 2 or 3 years quite happily- is that they are around £30 and always come down in the sale. ASOS Tall only goes up to a size 20 (or 38″ waist for jeans) but do not make the mistake of going for the comfortable option with these jeans; if they feel just a little bit tight then they fit just right! I have two pairs that I bought in a 38″ waist when I put on weight- they’re comfy but they bag, which is very sad. Buy two sizes and see what fits, they do stretch and settle.

Lace top, £24.99 hm.com

Along with good leggings to put under dresses- a subject for another time- these New Look trousers provide the base of my workwear, and the Ridley jeans do the same for my free-time outfits. So what do I put on top? Well, despite making decent strides in the direction of body confidence and acceptance, I do prefer to camouflage my tummy. It means that I shy away from anything too fitted- which is potentially a bit of a shame- but as my favourite silhouette is volume on top and tight underneath, it’s not too much of a hardship. I like to channel a ‘Scandinavian’ vibe- I put that in inverted commas because I do realise that this is a stylistic contrivance and that not everyone from Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Norway and Iceland (depending on your definition of Scandinavia) dress the same- so anything with structure really appeals. I also really like- and I cannot emphasise this enough- to go up at least one size when buying tops. Additional fabric adds structure, it looks more expensive, and if you’re not aiming for a tailored look then a size often doesn’t make that much difference. One site I visit on a weekly if not daily basis, is hm.com. I will bang on about their plus range until I’m screaming, alone, into the abyss, because some of the pieces are so great, and you would never know from the way they style the pieces. Where ASOS Curve features sexy, confident models, current accessories and catwalk videos so you can get a better idea of how the garment hangs and moves, H&M is really quite poor. Even their gorgeous models look a bit bored. But the range is well worth a look.

I have worn this top so much since I bought it, at work and with jeans. At £24.99, with a lining and in a cracking navy, I find it an awesome bargain. I bought it in a 3XL so it hangs nicely, and it nods to the lace trend of this summer without being insubstantial. I love it.

I'll ask someone to take photos, I promise!
I’ll ask someone to take photos, I promise!

A word of warning: H&M sizing is as bonkers for their + range as it is for the main line. The L-4XL sizing is kind of ok, but when it’s numbered it’s insane. I bought a blouse in a 26 the other day that barely fit and I certainly wouldn’t have worn it in the length and how close it was to the body. Went straight back! My most recent purchase- a pyjama-style blouse with an abstract dragonfly print- has been worn to work and for fun and has gained many compliments so far. I will feature it in another post because it’s just the cutest and was £14.99, but it is a size 28. and it’s not even as floaty and over-sized as I would usually buy; it’s kind of a nice shirt fit. I can’t even imagine if a UK size 26 or 28 ordered it and received the shirt I did- it’s just mean. So beware, and remember: it’s not you, it’s H&M.

I don’t know whether this shot shows the top at all. I will do better.

Ok, so next steps. I mentioned leggings, and for comfort in this weather I am a huge fan of a dress and leggings so I shall showcase a few of my favourites. And I’ll find someone to take some dang photos of me! That will help. I need to show off my lovely H&M £15 shirt, and I’m also going to start tackling some of the things that I do to feel fashionable and confident as a plus size lady.

Category: Style
loz

Plus Size but not Curvy

I have been thinking about this post for quite a few weeks, and about plus size fashion for significantly longer.

Back in January 2015, I wrote about my New Year’s Resolutions. There was every chance that none of them would stick for more than a couple of weeks, but two of the three have: I make an effort to hot-cloth-cleanse my face every night, and I have read lots of fantastic non-fiction books since pledging to do so. I have not, however, lost weight. Quite the opposite.

The fact is that I love our life together, mine and M’s. We go to gigs, and comedy, have weekends away in Brighton and random Northern cities where there’s a Strongman event on, eat great food and have too many beers at the fighting and the wrestling. I can’t imagine making the sacrifices  I would need to in order to get back to where I was two and a half years ago. And I am sad at my wardrobe of COS tops I can’t quite fit in, and I don’t love that I can’t shop in mainstream high street stores anymore, but not quite enough to feel bad about it. I have made the decision to look straight ahead, mindfully and intelligently, and not waste my days obsessing over my weight. As long as I can still find items to wear that I feel represent me and my personal style, I’ve resolved to accept myself as I am.

I like how my lashes look in this pic, even if it is a bit low-res.
I like how my lashes look in this pic, even if it is a bit low-res. And this necklace is exactly the sort of thing I’ll be banging on about from now on

[As a side note, I do realise that all these beers and fun times have to be balanced with sensible, positive changes. More walking, more vegetables, better sleep are all being tackled. I just refuse to conflate being healthy with being skinny.]

So, over the last few months I’ve been supplementing my wardrobe and beginning to follow some truly inspiring plus size bloggers. I particularly love Georgina Horne’s Fuller Figure Fuller Bust blog, although she’s well worth a like on Facebook too.  I enjoy seeing what bloggers have found, how they style the items they wear, and how unafraid they are to try things that aren’t automatically considered ‘flattering’. Is pretending to be slimmer than you are what nourishes the soul? The problem for me is that I don’t have their figures. Georgina Horne looks incredible but I’m a B-cup athletic apple- if you can imagine such a thing- and skater dresses, belts and a retro pin-up look suit neither my personal style or my figure.

This H&M + dress is great quality for the money. Full post to follow.
This H&M + dress is great quality for the money. Full post to follow.

There is no easy way to be a woman in the world, let alone one over a size 10. I am not for one moment suggesting that Ms Horne doesn’t get abuse and lewd comments- Christ, does she- but there is a traditional, curvaceous, sexy femininity to the way she styles herself and the way most of the plus size bloggers dress in their posts. They embrace their curves and enhance them, but I barely have them at all! At almost six feet tall, my limbs are long and slim (at least to mid-thigh). I have a high waist, and my weight is carried in the tummy (and the arse, but the tummy is what shows changes in weight immediately). My hips are rounder at the moment, but when I’m slimmer the weight comes off the hips while the stomach remains. At a 14-16, I look long and trim, but with a tummy. An athletic apple.

Future posts will have actual outfit shots! This is a preview; excuse the monster arm.
Future posts will have plenty of full outfit shots! This is a preview of a top I’ve worn way more than I thought I would; excuse the monster arm.

So I’m carving out my own style: plus size but not curvy. I’m taking the elements of my slimmer style that I still love and adapting them for my new figure. Clean, Scandinavian-influenced lines; an abundance of fabric worn with super-skinny jeans, leggings, or close-cut trousers; architectural lines and texture. Buying a size up for style but also so the items look better quality. Flowing dresses with statement jewellery and striking make-up.

More clothing than ever before is offered in size 16+, and the rise of online shopping has meant that companies don’t have to play it so safe, providing much greater competition. Navabi offers a wide range of high-end plus size clothing and my love of Carmakoma is well documented. ASOS offers over 1300 items in its Curve and plus size brand section, offering safer items alongside bodycon dresses and fashion-led pieces not traditionally considered flattering or acceptable for fuller figures. Evans hasn’t been able to rest on its laurels when River Island brings out a plus-size range, although I am yet to be entirely convinced on the latter. I can get the silhouette I want- I’m just learning that it might mean buying every top in three sizes to see what works. I shall report back soon.

Category: Style
IMG_0770

Quick Fix! Fake nails

Quick Fixes - things that make you feel good cheaply and easily!

My first experience with fake nails was about 25 years ago, trying the kind that have a sticker on the back. They were not a total success. After that I’m pretty sure I tried the ones that come with glue but they weren’t terribly stylish when I was a youth, often too long and some fairly vicious reds and pinks. And I got the nail glue everywhere.

I go through phases of trying to paint my nails and keep them looking smart but they smudge or chip almost immediately and I can never seem to get them to dry really hard, no matter what products I use. I have had gel manicures before and that, I love. Glossy, long-lasting, cool colours: just awesome. But I really can’t justify the cost of the upkeep.

Imagine my delight then, when I stumbled across the fake nails in Primark- in blue, purple, matte! And a practical length. Me and my big sister both bought some with a view to applying them before dinner that night, and apply them I did- with a glass of wine in hand and in a very slapdash manner. And they came out pretty alright, with the exception of at least one slight size mismatch. After two and a bit weeks, I’ve had to do running repairs- at least one nail per day- but the 36 in a pack has meant that I have plenty to replace the lost ones with. Being in Amsterdam for a few days with my best girls, it was fab to have ‘finished’ nails even as the balls of my feet screamed in pain. Then my lovely lady P suggested that I buy more expensive glue for longevity and it’s been a genius idea.

I look like a lady!
I look like a lady!

And that ‘more expensive’ is still only about four quid. You just have to be a tiny bit more careful with it as there’s much more room for sticking fingers together, so I would definitely start with the Primark glue until you get the hang of it.

Currently transitioning to this purple-y raspberry colour
Currently transitioning to this purple-y raspberry colour

So I went to Primark and bought lots of other colours! They’re all £1 a pack, but some of the fancier ‘Design’ ones have 24 in a pack instead of 36. Either way, I doubled up so that I had plenty for replacement nails. Yes it won’t be doing the nails underneath a tonne of good but I can’t find it in me to care- I have glossy, pastel nails!

So many options…

Things I have learnt

- Be decisive: if you wait too long or are too cautious about placing the nail, you will get it stuck halfway on. This is not a good look.

- Buy nail varnish remover pots: Wilkinson’s do such things for £1. You don’t want anything fancy and I doubt the cheap pots are much good for nail polish. but they will dissolve problem nails (which is very handy when you’ve stuck one halfway up the nail instead of at the cuticle)

- The matte ones don’t stay matte.

- The nail sizes are really good, so I think most people could probably find these to fit, even if larger-handed ladies might need to buy a couple of packs to get as many larger sizes as they need. If you have unusually-shaped nails, they might not work tho (sorry Kathry..)

 

 

Category: Style
heart sand

You have Parent Issues even if you don’t think you do

It is obvious that our parents have an almost inconceivable effect on our development as human beings, and most of us can accept that. Whether you vote the way your parents do or reject that completely, you’re reacting to how you were brought up; the conversations, the assumptions, the influences. And when someone has had a tragic or abusive childhood, we can envisage why that might have messed them up. We can see that impact because it’s in popular culture, in TV and paperbacks in WH Smith with pictures of sad children on the cover. But more and more (and more) I am realising the impact that familial relationships have, not just on our development as a human being but on the very way we form relationships. However conscious we are about our decision making, most of us don’t realise the extent to which we are recreating patterns in our personal lives.

Does this sound a little self-helpy? I can see that. It’s probably symptomatic of the sort of literature that I read and the sorts of things I’ve always been interested in that this rings so true with me. The people I’m interested in (in a literary sense) are often cerebral types, often recovering addicts, people who have had a lot of therapy. I also like Jillian Michaels, the trainer from The Biggest Loser, who is- I think it’s fair to say- not a particularly cerebral type. But she is a person who understands the destructive nature of her relationship with her father growing up, and how that makes her react, in a very real way, to authority figures in her own life. When the people I’m interested in kept saying the same thing in many different ways, it slowly started to dawn on me that it made sense.

This shit makes sense! www.5lovelanguages.com/
This shit makes sense! www.5lovelanguages.com/

The problem is that because we live our own experiences and our perception is our reality. It is often very hard to see that it might be worth questioning the conclusions we’re drawing. I’ve been racking my brains for an example that isn’t vague, or boring. Of course when you have an interaction with someone and they appear preoccupied we can read that as them being rude, or having something on their mind, or interpret ourselves as boring or not worthy of their attention. But without a specific example, it’s all a bit blah. So I’ll give you mine.

In my early twenties I was almost always in a relationship and I assumed it would never be that difficult to find another. A little further into my twenties, I found myself single and working in the City, and it was suddenly much harder to meet someone. It wasn’t hard to meet people in general but it was sure as shit extremely hard to meet anybody worth spending any time with. That obviously excludes the unbelievable friends I made  there and continue to be close to: they’re gorgeous. The harder I tried the further away what I wanted seemed to be, like trying to catch a fish in your hands. I’d have dates, and second dates, and sometimes more, just to have the person disappear. Any time I got comfortable, that person would ghost on me, so of course I went into every relationship being scared that would happen. “We all have those fears!”, I hear you cry, and of course we do. But until I was in a relationship that felt like a team, where I felt secure, I couldn’t see how utterly terrified I had been in the early stages of the relationship that it would all crumble. It was a pathological fear, a physical feeling that M would leave me. I put it down to the ghosting morons. Now, 798 high-brow podcasts later, I am struck by the truth of the realisation I had a couple of months ago: my fear that the person I love will reject me is as a direct reaction to my fear that love would be withdrawn as a child.

I’m not going to criticise or blame, that’s not the point. I just feel more free and more calm realising that love felt conditional in my childhood and  that it’s had an impact. I also had a lot of unconditional love and continue to have that, and that is nourishing and has made me a lot of who I am. I just also deeply feel that love can be withdrawn.

Look, I don’t think having a critical parent with their own issues qualifies me to write a misery memoir called Why won’t you love me? My point isn’t self-pity, my point is that I have reflected on this one small element of what affects the dynamics of my relationship and it feels very true and runs very deep, and holy shit where does that leave us all? We’re screwed, doomed to repeat patterns that we don’t even recognise! I suppose some people can identify some of the many fibres that form the whole, to a greater or lesser degree. But even just taking a second to think about your opinion or emotion or irritation or resentment, taking a moment to hold it up to the light and to think about the years that went into it, the assumptions and pain, well I think that might be worth it. Holding up Not Going to Prezzo and examining it, maybe I’ll find that it turns to dust. Don’t get me started on Ways I Need To Be Shown I’m Loved. I’m trying, OK?

 

Category: Life